(610): Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(+44): I’m sorry but that single bed couldn’t hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.

(Submitted by jrho, thank you!)

(901): At least you have booty calls.

(1-901): True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told “there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two.” You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china

(Submitted by jrho, thank you!)

(651): This is God’s way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.

(507): Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(951): She’s all pretty and bubbly and nice and I’m sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(812): There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(239): His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during…

(Submitted by jrho, thank you!)

(702): The “don’t get cum on anything” rule also applies to my furniture and scarves

(806): That’s not technology. Doesn’t count.

(Submitted by jrho, thank you!)

(772): I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.

(Submitted by jrho, thank you!)

(304): No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.

(Submitted by Sugar, thank you!)

(+44): She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between “the girls” now. I’m going over, don’t try and stop me.

(Submitted by Sugar, thank you!)

(815): Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

(215): A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.

(Submitted by ericamerrin, thank you!)

(707): We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.

(Submitted by anonymous, thank you!)

(519): What color are my eyes?

(1-519): Ummmm… 34 C?

(Submitted by bitchisfierce, thank you!)