(610): I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(305): What part of I’m done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I’ve moved on..

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(920): Well, practice makes perfect. Let’s start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(831): YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.

(Submitted by inthequietcity, thank you!)

(614): I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?

(Submitted by inthequietcity, thank you!)

(217): Ummmmm okay let’s be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed’s at half capacity this evening. How’d you like to fill it up?

(Submitted by jrho, thank you!)

(952): Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I’m not even into that stuff but I think it’d be so warm.

(Submitted by jrho, thank you!)

(951): Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(301): But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(847): Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted “who has your virginity.” I got the seat.

Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!

(321): It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis… If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.

Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!

(570): Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I’d like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(214): It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(260): He doesn’t have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(503): If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.

(Submitted by acidwit, thank you!)