(416): feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
(614): I was convinced to buy a man thong.
(614): But it’s Armani so it’s okay.
(614): God I just out gayed myself.
(609): Would it be weird to tell him that on his b’day he’s dressing up and we’re having weird Jesus sex?
(310): My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my “roommate” was doing.
(1-310): That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
(248): Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
(478): How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy’s shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
(770): We’ll talk about it later…
(317): You need a sexual gate keeper
(403): I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he’s my little lamb
(334): I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling “bumfuck” repeatedly. We figured we’d just let him get it out of his system.
(541): What should I say back?
(1-541): Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
(541): Straight into my pants.
(815): I’m pleased to know that your mom refers to me as “the ass piliager” now
(781): Whatever you do tomorrow don’t let me put on the Borat mankini and yell “POLAR PLUNGE!!” while diving into the pool
(1-781): The pool is covered…..
(781): Like that would stop me.
(619): You said “bag of dicks” before passing out and falling off the landing
(1-619): Oh god… Please tell me Sarah didn’t see me like this
(619): …you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down…
(480): If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
(317): He said, “cum on daddy’s dick!” … I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.