(812): Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
(860): I’m so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
(613): The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
(404): PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
(480): Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I’m living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I’m in bed with some free tacos, and when I’m done eating I’m going to sleep. What a great night.
(814): My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
(613): You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we’re working
(774): I need rollerblades now
(774): Rollerblades pick up bitches
(309): Well that’s my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
(918): Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all “these are not the Droids you are looking for”
(417): I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
(1-417): I will be over with a bedpan and beer
(971): Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I’m all like I’m resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
(206): In related news, I couldn’t want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
(901): The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
(731): Bro if you don’t text me back I’m gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I’m home alone with nothing to do. Don’t push me.