(919): If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy’s butt today… Dominatrix training, ya know…
(678): Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
(404): We should probably write this down. That’s a shit load of shit.
(817): He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
(770): There just aren’t enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
(404): My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
(914): true… I just kept thinking “THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS”
(358): I don’t think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
(315): That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina “pretty”
She’s cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
(807): She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
(616): But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, “WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!”
(603): Sign she’s a keeper: “I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner.”
(636): You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
(314): Please be lying.
(636): Im not. Your family was creeped out
(479): I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah