(952): Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I’m not even into that stuff but I think it’d be so warm.

(Submitted by jrho, thank you!)

(734): What do you wear to apply at a strip club?

(Submitted by jrho, thank you!)

(314): You just said we could build a blanket and pillow “fuck fort.” Of course I’m never leaving you.

(Submitted by jrho, thank you!)

(910): He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That’s the 2nd time I’ve heard that.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(949): how did we start talking about space blow jobs?

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(513): I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(706): On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for “things that you keep hidden” we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(402): You can’t find true love with Budweiser and a futon

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(212): I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(503): Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself “rock a piss” as he walked down the hall to the bathroom

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(646): How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog

(Submitted by cryingwordsandbleedingink, thank you!)

(951): Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(215): I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone’s genitals. He said he understood.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(916): He asked me “did you used to go to church” while we were having sex.

Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!

(321): It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis… If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.

Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!