(505): I feel like death gave me a hand job

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(310): Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(321): Why do you have to go to the hospital?

(407): I gotta apologize to a male nurse who’s tryin to press assault charges on me

(Submitted by acidwit, thank you!)

(920): Well, practice makes perfect. Let’s start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(478): You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover

(Submitted by inthequietcity, thank you!)

(831): YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.

(Submitted by inthequietcity, thank you!)

(512): Btw before you ask, the dr said there’s no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis

(Submitted by inthequietcity, thank you!)

(608): He knew exactly who I’d slept with after just one look at my crotch. He’s like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.

(Submitted by frankenthemalin, thank you!)

(614): I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?

(Submitted by inthequietcity, thank you!)

(570): Why can’t it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?

(734): Definitely sounds like it’s time for some eggs with a side of strap on

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(902): Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?

(902): It’s all hypothetical, I don’t have a Batman mask… yet…

(Submitted by jrho, thank you!)

(317): hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(860): Well I don’t know him that well so I don’t think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.

(Submitted by jrho, thank you!)

(734): What do you wear to apply at a strip club?

(Submitted by jrho, thank you!)