(505): I feel like death gave me a hand job
(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)
(310): Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
(321): Why do you have to go to the hospital? (407): I gotta apologize to a male nurse who’s tryin to press assault charges on me
(Submitted by acidwit, thank you!)
(920): Well, practice makes perfect. Let’s start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
(478): You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
(Submitted by inthequietcity, thank you!)
(831): YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
(512): Btw before you ask, the dr said there’s no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
(608): He knew exactly who I’d slept with after just one look at my crotch. He’s like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
(Submitted by frankenthemalin, thank you!)
(614): I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
(570): Why can’t it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
(734): Definitely sounds like it’s time for some eggs with a side of strap on
(902): Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask? (902): It’s all hypothetical, I don’t have a Batman mask… yet…
(Submitted by jrho, thank you!)
(317): hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
(860): Well I don’t know him that well so I don’t think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
(734): What do you wear to apply at a strip club?