(416): feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
(812): Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
(860): I’m so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
(613): The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
(404): PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
(614): I was convinced to buy a man thong.
(614): But it’s Armani so it’s okay.
(614): God I just out gayed myself.
(480): Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I’m living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I’m in bed with some free tacos, and when I’m done eating I’m going to sleep. What a great night.
(814): My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
(613): You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we’re working
(586): Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet……
(609): Would it be weird to tell him that on his b’day he’s dressing up and we’re having weird Jesus sex?
(310): My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my “roommate” was doing.
(1-310): That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
(248): Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
(309): Well that’s my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
(918): Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all “these are not the Droids you are looking for”