(516): Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
310): I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean “I cherish you” I do not want to live there.
(425): I’m 50% weirded out and 50% into it
(586): There was no eligible dick at the ER. I’m pissed. Looks like “Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic” is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit’s gonna get real.
I’ll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
(561): Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
(214): I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I’m afraid she’ll ask why and the answer to that will just be “cum.”
(313): What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
(707): As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I think I submitted the wrong one last time.
(415): There’s a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we’ll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
(813): I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
(740): Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
(402): Now back to adults eating hotdogs.