(412): also, add “teaching boys to sext” to my charity work

by sugar-crash31

(407): I’m lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl

by sugar-crash31

(336): By “met a doctor” I really mean “fucked a pre med student”

- sugar-crash31

(570): Because of his penis, I can’t even look at a hot dog

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(513): Are we playing “how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011”?

(505): yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don’t want to win.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(865): This is the high leading the old right now

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(312): I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?

Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!

(703): The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(514): I didn’t even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ”You’ve been having unprotected sex.” HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(480): Just FYI, I’m breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(913): The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.

(308): Dude I’m 99% sure I’m witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40’s, this is better than the movies.

(Submitted by Zoey, thank you!)

(618): Everyone is sleeping and i’m sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.

(Submitted by Zoey, thank you!)

(443): There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(859): will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)