(703): I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they’re skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn’t over yet.

(Submitted by jrho, thank you!)

(778): I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through “Love the Way you Lie”

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(858): It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.

(813): My horoscope told me I’m getting laid tonight. Please don’t make the stars be liars

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(501): There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he’s at.

(Submitted by jrho, thank you!)

(410): i can’t wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.

(Submitted by Morebliss, thank you!)

(773): I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days

(Submitted by Anonymous, thank you!)

(724): Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on….

(Submitted by homesickatspacecamp, thank you!)

(780): do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?

(Submitted by Sugar, thank you!)

(412): It seems like every guy I’ve hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.

(Submitted by Sugar, thank you!)

(757): I believe some people would call last night an orgy.

(Submitted by ivyo, thank you!)

(307): They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.

(Submitted by quitmakingushavesexwitheachother, thank you!)

(256): I’ve awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.

(Submitted by quitmakingushavesexwitheachother, thank you!)

(708): I’m laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me… This is dedication to the tan my friend

(Submitted by bitchisfierce, thank you!)

(845): well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back

(Submitted by PellaFan, thank you!)