(605): I could only remember yelling “rip it down” as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.

(307): I’ve always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name…

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(423): I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain… I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(919): Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said “nothing much.” But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.

(Submitted by dancingwithyourhandsup, thank you!)

(919): I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(816): i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(240): YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(845): Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(318): would you say our friendship is at the “help each other shave animal patterns in each other’s pubes” phase?

(Submitted by jrho, thank you!)

(432): I don’t care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption “I want you” isn’t an acceptable pick up line.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(775): I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(812): Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don’t know whether this pattern is good or bad.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(780): Just in case you were wondering….. I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(253): i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down

(253): ppsyche im wasted where are you

(Submitted by cryingwordsandbleedingink, thank you!)

(419): That’s what I’m here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(403): You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn’t lose you if you went pee in the dark.

Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!