(505): I feel like death gave me a hand job
(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)
(617): Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
(912): Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you’re receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
(Submitted by jrho, thank you!)
(920): Well, practice makes perfect. Let’s start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
(512): Btw before you ask, the dr said there’s no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
(Submitted by inthequietcity, thank you!)
(608): He knew exactly who I’d slept with after just one look at my crotch. He’s like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
(Submitted by frankenthemalin, thank you!)
(570): Why can’t it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
(314): You just said we could build a blanket and pillow “fuck fort.” Of course I’m never leaving you.
(949): how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
(646): How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
(Submitted by cryingwordsandbleedingink, thank you!)
(951): Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
(301): But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
(815): My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
(916): He asked me “did you used to go to church” while we were having sex. Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!