(505): I feel like death gave me a hand job

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(617): Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(912): Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you’re receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back

(Submitted by jrho, thank you!)

(920): Well, practice makes perfect. Let’s start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(512): Btw before you ask, the dr said there’s no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis

(Submitted by inthequietcity, thank you!)

(608): He knew exactly who I’d slept with after just one look at my crotch. He’s like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.

(Submitted by frankenthemalin, thank you!)

(570): Why can’t it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?

(314): You just said we could build a blanket and pillow “fuck fort.” Of course I’m never leaving you.

(Submitted by jrho, thank you!)

(949): how did we start talking about space blow jobs?

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(646): How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog

(Submitted by cryingwordsandbleedingink, thank you!)

(951): Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(301): But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(815): My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.

(Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!)

(916): He asked me “did you used to go to church” while we were having sex.

Submitted by sugar-crash31, thank you!