(626): It’s like, “you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed.”
Maybe I’ll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you’ve done worse.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, “this is my birthday condom.”
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I’m two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like “what about shower sex.”
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
(313): Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i’m a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there’s nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don’t. All I see is an escalator of success
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor