(541): Happy birthday, you long dick monster
(760): So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
(415): Come over. I’ve made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I’m a 50’s housewife with no family.
(310): All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
(541): What should I say back?
(1-541): Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
(541): Straight into my pants.
(740): Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
(315): I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
(561): I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
(336): At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
(815): I’m pleased to know that your mom refers to me as “the ass piliager” now
(971): Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I’m all like I’m resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
(781): Whatever you do tomorrow don’t let me put on the Borat mankini and yell “POLAR PLUNGE!!” while diving into the pool
(1-781): The pool is covered…..
(781): Like that would stop me.
(206): In related news, I couldn’t want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
(615): Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
(517): To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan…fuck you