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(541): Happy birthday, you long dick monster

(541): Happy birthday, you long dick monster

| 3 notes
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(760): So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.

(760): So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.

| 10 notes
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(415): Come over. I’ve made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I’m a 50’s housewife with no family.

(415): Come over. I’ve made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I’m a 50’s housewife with no family.

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(310): All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.

(310): All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.

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(541): What should I say back? (1-541): Well, how do you want the conversation to go? (541): Straight into my pants.

(541): What should I say back?

(1-541): Well, how do you want the conversation to go?

(541): Straight into my pants.

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(740): Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross

(740): Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross

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(315): I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores

(315): I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores

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(561): I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point

(561): I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point

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(336): At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick

(336): At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick

| 15 notes
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(815): I’m pleased to know that your mom refers to me as “the ass piliager” now

(815): I’m pleased to know that your mom refers to me as “the ass piliager” now

| 14 notes
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(971): Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I’m all like I’m resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.

(971): Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I’m all like I’m resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.

| 26 notes
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(781): Whatever you do tomorrow don’t let me put on the Borat mankini and yell “POLAR PLUNGE!!” while diving into the pool (1-781): The pool is covered….. (781): Like that would stop me.

(781): Whatever you do tomorrow don’t let me put on the Borat mankini and yell “POLAR PLUNGE!!” while diving into the pool

(1-781): The pool is covered…..

(781): Like that would stop me.

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(206): In related news, I couldn’t want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.

(206): In related news, I couldn’t want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.

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(615): Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy

(615): Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy

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(517): To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan…fuck you

(517): To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan…fuck you

| 9 notes