(918): Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all “these are not the Droids you are looking for”
(478): How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy’s shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
(770): We’ll talk about it later…
(971): Yeah. It’s just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
(612): It’d be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn’t been on.
(407): I don’t think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
(320): What happened to my face?
(715): You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
(715): It was impressive.
(317): You need a sexual gate keeper
(231): Took “drink until he’s cute” to a whole new level last night…
(603): There’s a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
(417): I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
(1-417): I will be over with a bedpan and beer
(403): I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he’s my little lamb
(859): The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we’re 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
(334): I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling “bumfuck” repeatedly. We figured we’d just let him get it out of his system.
(570): Sit down my child. It’s time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, “The Penis that Never Could.”
(216): Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.